This weekend, as I mourned the horrendous loss of life in the Connecticut school shooting along with the rest of the country, I asked myself this question many times, “How do you stop a crazed gunman?” Sadly, the answer seems to be, you probably can’t.  By the time he is holding the gun, the time to stop him or her, has passed.  But that answer doesn’t satisfy my heart and so I continue to seek a response, a course of action so that I may begin to heal my grief with hope.

I believe that while we may not be able to stop a crazed gunman, we may be able to help the child that might otherwise become that gunman.  Inside all of us is a child, a child who may have been bullied, who may have had problems, been traumatized, or who may have been overlooked and passed over and passed along in our system.

Somehow, we have got to take better care of our children, and perhaps that starts by taking better care of ourselves.  Perhaps we need to take an extra moment out of our day to be kinder to ourselves, and then to others.  Perhaps we should stop and help, even when it would be much easier on us and on our hectic schedules to keep on going.

Perhaps I can take a moment to notice and acknowledge the challenges facing another human being.  I can smile.  I can say please and thank you.  I can greet another person with kindness and acknowledge our shared humanity, whether it is a homeless person, the cleaner at the gym or the assistant at my office.   I can take time to call and check on an elderly friend and lend an empathetic ear.

I think I’m a decent person, and yet, I know I can be better.  I can find ways to voice my opposition to injustice I can open my heart not just to my family, but also to the family of man.  I can stop asking, “What’s wrong with this world? And start asking, “What’s right with this world, and how can I be a part of it? “

I can question myself when I feel jealousy, resentment, fear or hatred.  I can get help to understand those feelings, and in turn, help others, especially our children, to understand their feelings – and to cope with them. I can find ways to heal myself, through prayer, yoga, meditation, nonviolent communication and community.  I can reach out.  I may not be able to save the world, but I can be more loving every day, to myself and to others.

I owe it to those innocent children in Connecticut to not just wonder how such horror can occur, but also to wonder what might we do collectively, and individually to change the things in our world that don’t support  the mentally ill, and the children who are suffering from trauma and other kinds of wounds.  Maybe that includes better gun control, maybe that includes locking down our schools, but I also believe it means helping people to love themselves – and each other more. How can we support each other so that we can be well in body, mind and spirit?  How do we work toward loving inclusion, embrace and assist those who are less fortunate or different from ourselves?

How do I become an instrument of good works and positive change?

We may not have all the answers, but I believe that if we keep asking the right questions and seek to live with love, respect, kindness and make wellness a priority over video games as babysitters, more possessions, climbing the corporate ladder and a million other distractions that keep us from putting our children and our souls first, then we can and will change the world.   It is my only hope.

What I know is that there comes a time in your life where you have to do what is right for you, even if it is difficult and you will disappoint others.

What I know is that disappointing yourself is not a good practice; if you do it often enough, it can turn into a poisonous resentment and anger – toward yourself and toward others.

What I know is that you can love someone and decide that the relationship in its current form is not healthy or good for you and that you can still love that person – even after the relationship gets redefined.

What I know is that it’s not your job to make other people happy.  Your job is to be you.

What I know is that if you love someone, but you don’t know how to love them in a way that they understand or want to be loved, then your love may only serve you, not them – and that can be frustrating for everyone.

What I know is that having equanimity when things get tough doesn’t mean you won’t ride a roller coaster of fear, anxiety, anger, hope and sadness.  It just means that you can deal with the present moment more calmly, because you have faith that this too shall pass.

What I know is that we each experience grief in our own way and that there is no easy path through it. One must experience it, acknowledge it, and honor it and – eventually, let it subside, when it has done its work, and you, yours.

What I know is that the sun will rise over the horizon tomorrow and that I am blessed everyday that I have the privilege of witnessing it.

Author Seth Godin  wrote a blog post called, “You will be disappointed.” In it, he talks about the fact that at some point, something or someone won’t meet your expectations. More importantly, his next point really spoke to me:

“You will disappoint someone. That’s part of the deal of being in the world.”

So true! And for someone like me who hates to disappoint anyone, it’s hard to stomach. I hate the idea that even if I do the best I can, it will sometimes fall short of what others would like from me. But as I meditate on that thought, I realize that what other people think of me is none of my business. I can’t control their expectations, and unless I am out in the world making promises I know that I can’t keep (a no-no in my rule book) all I can do is the best that I can. I have nothing else to offer – except to feel guilty.

Then I found his quote by writer Peter McWilliams, “Guilt is anger directed at ourselves – at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do.”

I realized that being angry with myself for not doing something beyond my ability is wasteful. And gosh, who has time to waste?

When I talk with some coaching clients, they often tell me that it’s hard to take time for themselves. It makes them feel “selfish” and that, they say is a bad thing.  But I disagree with their premise. I don’t think that taking care of yourself is necessarily the same as being selfish.    In fact, if you look closely, taking care of yourself could be beneficial for everyone.  How?  Let’s start with some definitions:

Self-ish : you put your needs above others

Self-less:  you put others needs above yours

Self-caring:  your needs are equal to the needs of others.

I believe if every person could practice self-care, that the world would heal itself. Why?  Just imagine how we would treat each other if no one’s needs were greater or lesser than anyone else’s.   So, if I believe that my need for X is just as important as your need for Y – and you feel the same way, my guess is that we could create a solution that respectfully allows us to both get what we need.  Maybe we could take turns, or find a way to share available resources.  We could relax because we could trust one another and ourselves.

And yes, sometimes being self-less does make sense, like when you put your life on the line to rescue a child from a burning building, or some situation that compels you to take heroic action. However, on a day-to-day basis, being self-less can create resentment, anger and inequality… not a condition that adds to mutual respect and understanding.

So, I say, acknowledge and honor what you need, and respect the needs of others.  Realize that everyone has needs and rights – even you.  Try to work with others to create mutually satisfactory solutions.  If the other person doesn’t cooperate (either because they are selfish or self-less) you still have nothing to lose, because you will have acknowledged and addressed your needs.  Maybe others will follow your example.   If everyone did exactly that and developed more self- esteem and mutual respect, perhaps there would be peace on earth.   Or, at least a little more kindness.

This particular line from the poem, “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer,  Canadian writer and teacher, resonated for me this week.

“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.”

I recently noticed that I’ve made a frequent habit of putting my needs second to the needs of loved ones. Sometimes that is exactly the right thing for me to do, and I do it gladly.  Other times, not so much.  Being aware of my motivation and identifying what is true for me – expressing and honoring it – has released a great deal of resentment from my life. Frankly, I think my loved ones are benefiting.  Even though it’s not always easy to recognize and change a behavior pattern, it is possible, and it can be very empowering.

I love that every time I hear “The Invitation” a different stanza or line will feel particularly meaningful for me, depending on what is happening in my life.   To that end, I invite you to read this well-known poem and explore what resonates for you.  Enjoy.

The Invitation  

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

You can learn more about Oriah Mountain Dreamer, and sign up for her blog at her site www.oriahmountaindreamer.com .

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. “  Malachy McCourt

Sometimes bad things happen to you.  People hurt your feelings, they take advantage of you, or they treat you badly. Most of the time, an apology or an honest exchange can clear the air, and you feel better. But once in awhile, that little black cloud of anger and resentment takes up occupancy in your head and heart.  Sadly, while the smoke of anger and resentment is renting that space, it leaves little room for the cohabitation of joy and creativity.

So, for your own sake, you need to evict the resentment.  But how?  I recommend a two-step process:

1) Take all the inspired action you can to clear up the problem; and of that doesn’t solve it,

2) Apply the “Is it helpful?” rule.

For inspired action, (understanding that you can’t control what others do, say or think) you can still state your peace, express yourself, ask for an apology, or whatever it takes to drive the resentment out of your inner space.  I find that this works only if there is no intention of hurting the other person, or for getting revenge… (which is like trying to take your smoke and blow it into the other person’s head).  Inspired action is really about getting your feelings heard and on the table so you can release negativity.

If inspired action still leaves you with residual resentment lurking around, then it’s time to work the “Is it helpful?” rule.

Ask yourself, in this moment, is feeling angry and resentful helpful to me? If the event has already happened, and inspired action has been taken, what is the payoff to holding onto resentment?  Does it make you happier, smarter or more fun?  If the answer is no, why not let it go? Don’t you owe it to yourself to rent your head and heart to creativity, joy and love?  Why cram it full with dark, gloomy resentment?  Who is it hurting besides you?

So do yourself a favor, if it’s not helpful, let it go.

When things don’t go exactly as we hoped, sometimes we go with the flow. Other times, we berate ourselves or others: “This never would have happened if you’d been paying attention,” or, “I’m such a failure!”

This kind of blaming and labeling is not only unkind, but perhaps more importantly, it doesn’t usually yield lasting results.  Maybe we can guilt ourselves into not eating a second piece of chocolate cake, or maybe we can get someone to do something we want in that moment, but will it last? Is it motivating?  Loving? Helpful?  In general, critical language doesn’t accomplish much except to make ourselves or others feel badly. 

I recently attended a workshop on “nonviolent communication”, a process created in the 1960’s by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and I quickly learned just how damaging judgmental thinking and speaking can be.   As soon as we label, blame or threaten someone (including ourselves), we break the connection with them.  Rather than moving closer to resolution or to having our needs met, we move further into anger, guilt, resentment and pain.

The way Rosenberg explains it is that we tend to classify and analyze the wrongness of others rather than acknowledge what it is we need – and what it is that we are not getting.  His excellent example:  If my partner wants more affection than I’m giving him, then he is “needy and dependent.”  On the other hand, if I want more affection than he’s giving me, then he’s “aloof and insensitive.”   Can you see how criticism of someone else  may actually be a tragic expression of our own values and needs?

What Rosenberg suggests is that since all of us have needs, if we can express them along with how we feel, we can deliver clear, empathetic communication.  Imagine this: I say to my husband, “I feel like I’m married to a wall.”  What’s his response likely to be?

“You’re a wall” is not very directive about what I need. Compare that to, “I’m feeling lonely and would like more emotional contact with you.”   The second approach acknowledges my feelings and needs rather than putting the responsibility for how I feel on someone else. Which statement do you think is more likely to get an empathetic response?

Not that everyone will always willingly give us what we need just because we share!  But this process gets us closer to that possibility by acknowledging responsibility for our own feelings and by giving us a better chance of being heard.  So next time you want to lash out at someone, think about it first. What are you feeling?  What do you want?  Can you express your feelings and needs in an honest and open way?  It takes work and practice (and even a little courage) to be vulnerable, but if you value the relationship with the other person, this approach can be incredibly worthwhile.   Try it on yourself.  When you are about to blame or guilt yourself, take a good look at what you really feel and want and then decide, is there a way to take care of yourself so you actually get what you need?

There is much to share about this rich practice, including its many applications in conflict resolution.  To learn more, check out Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication” and visit www.cnvc.org . Here’s a short video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bydhuxilg_A