I recently learned about the poetry of Hafiz.   Here is one of my favorites from his book The Gift:

“Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

“You owe me.”

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.”

― حافظ, The Gift

May you too experience the blessing of a love that lights up the world.

What I know is that there comes a time in your life where you have to do what is right for you, even if it is difficult and you will disappoint others.

What I know is that disappointing yourself is not a good practice; if you do it often enough, it can turn into a poisonous resentment and anger – toward yourself and toward others.

What I know is that you can love someone and decide that the relationship in its current form is not healthy or good for you and that you can still love that person – even after the relationship gets redefined.

What I know is that it’s not your job to make other people happy.  Your job is to be you.

What I know is that if you love someone, but you don’t know how to love them in a way that they understand or want to be loved, then your love may only serve you, not them – and that can be frustrating for everyone.

What I know is that having equanimity when things get tough doesn’t mean you won’t ride a roller coaster of fear, anxiety, anger, hope and sadness.  It just means that you can deal with the present moment more calmly, because you have faith that this too shall pass.

What I know is that we each experience grief in our own way and that there is no easy path through it. One must experience it, acknowledge it, and honor it and – eventually, let it subside, when it has done its work, and you, yours.

What I know is that the sun will rise over the horizon tomorrow and that I am blessed everyday that I have the privilege of witnessing it.

Guess what? The “seven year itch” isn’t just a myth!   Renowned authors and TV personalities, Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen say there is a biological component to love!  In summary, when we fall in love, our emotions trigger hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. For the first four years of a love relationship, we get a dosage of hormones that helps keep us close and bonding.  However, somewhere between five to seven years, these chemical levels drop off.  After that, couples really need to work to keep the love and sex fresh.  Check out the Roizen-Oz video The Biology of Attraction to learn more practical tips to keep the love light glowing.

Another terrific resource, Dr. John Gottman, researcher, author and Ph.D. psychologist known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis, wrote a book called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work  that suggest  how to keep the marriage going during the tough times. Although I admit I haven’t read the book, I summarized a terrific list from his website:

• Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
• Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
• Soften your “start-up.” Bring up problems gently and without blame. Arguments first “start-up” because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone.
• Accept influence. Because research shows women are already well-practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.  A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial.
• Have high standards. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. Happy couples have high standards for each other. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
• Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Successful repair and exit include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“This is our problem”); backing down; and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way (“I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…”). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
• Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones.  A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity.

Last but not least, Michael J. Formica, MS, MA, psychotherapist, social scientist, and educator in Westport CT  posted a blog entry called Ten Elements of Effective Relationships. His post is worth a look, and for me, his conclusion says it all:

 ”Spend time together, speak your truths, respect each other, take care of each other, laugh with — and at — one another…”

Love to hear what has worked for you!

P.S.  In honor of full disclosure,  I wrote this post about a year ago, but  it seemed worth repeating! 

Happy New Year! I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite quotes from 2011. These are quotes that inspired me on days that I needed a fresh perspective  (and that I posted on my Saar Coaching Face Book page as a result.) I hope you enjoy them.

“To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.” Unknown

“Do not fear mistakes – there are none.”  Miles Davis

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”  Friedrich Nietzsche

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”  Alexander Graham Bell

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”  James Thurber

“One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.” French proverb

“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”  Oscar Wilde

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”  Epictetus

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”  Victor Borge

“We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry.”  E. B. White

Please share some of your favorite quotes as well.  I would love to know.

Happy, healthy prosperous New Year to all!

I recently attended a high school reunion and had a wonderful time. I know lots of folks don’t feel that way about their high school get-togethers, so I feel particularly lucky. Perhaps it’s partly because I attended a “special” high school in Manhattan, where little attention was paid to one’s ethnic and socioeconomic background. Many of us traveled a far distance from neighboring boroughs to get to Manhattan every day, so students were motivated to learn.

For some of us, Stuyvesant High School provided a welcome escape from dysfunctional family life, tough neighborhoods, difficult junior high experiences, and the many other places where we just didn’t seem to fit. There were few fights at school, and to the best of my knowledge, no bullying. In short, at “Stuy”, we had a place to go that felt safe.

That’s not to say that we were all friends, and that there wasn’t typical teenage angst and suffering, but it was a community, one that embraced a live and let-live attitude. Now, almost 35 years later, it’s clear that while most of us have had our share of tragedy, success, love and loss, we are genuinely happy to see each other.

When you think about it, our high school peers are the people who knew us in the raw, when life was still fresh and innocent. The newness of love, lust, joy and hurt were magnified about 1000 times back then and every discovery was tremendously exciting as a result. It was a time of possibility, deep human learning and boundless energy. Our high school peers are the people who knew us when we were kernels that had not yet popped.

And although we share many “secrets”, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. These are the people who know if you were a geek, a stoner or a jock. Fortunately, we seem to have moved beyond the labels that once bound and limited us. At the same time, these folks have a foundational understanding of who we are as individuals, long before we became moms, dads, poets or people in charge of many things.

This shared history allowed me to experience a few magnificent moments at the reunion. It was delicious to be in the presence of people who could still see the shiny, exuberance of youth in each other’s eyes and smiles, while losing track of graying hair, extra pounds and the fine lines of experience etched across our faces.

This experience made me keenly aware that being part of a community that shares values, and values acceptance, is a great gift. Being with people who can see past the exterior and can acknowledge and appreciate the kernel of your raw individuality and share a joyful moment is a soul celebration. Perhaps not all high school reunions afford the same gifts, but my hope for you and I, is that we have many more opportunities to experience and to create these connections throughout our lives, for ourselves, and for others, at work, at play and in our world community.

The adrenalin rush that results from stress is a great gift if you need to escape physical danger, like a hungry lion.  It’s not so great if you are dealing with a long-term problem like being a solo caretaker, working through a bad relationship or facing a difficult job situation. Long-term biological stress response can take a negative toll on your body.  According to eHealthMd.com, here are some of the biological responses you experience from stress:

• Your heart speeds up
• Blood flow to your brain and muscles increases up to 400 percent
• Your digestion stops (so it doesn’t use up energy that’s needed elsewhere)
• Your muscle tension increases
• You breathe faster, to bring more oxygen to your muscles

So, what can you do to help reduce stress?  Here are five simple tips to help ease your mind and body:

• Move it. Any kind of physical activity helps reduce stress.  Walk, stretch, garden.  Move your body in whatever way appeals to you. If you can find 15 minutes anywhere in your day, give it a try.  Many studies show that even 15 minutes of daily exercise can extend your lifespan and can improve health overall.

• Breathe. Remember your breath.  Breath has a heart connection that enables relaxation.  Try focusing on deep breathing when you feel stressed out, even if it is only for 30 seconds at a time. Try this “heart coherence” breathing exercise from stress expert Wendy Duncan  as reported in an Entrepreneur article by Lisa Girard:

Place your hand over your heart, and then imagine your breath flowing through your heart. Take four counts to breathe in, and another four counts to breathe out. As you do so, imagine feelings of love, joy or compassion radiating out of you like beams of light.  Repeat several times.

• Connect with others: Reach out and spend time with people you enjoy. Join a group, adopt a pet, do volunteer work, talk on the phone, meet for coffee. Have a laugh and enjoy some companionship – it’s good for the soul.

• Confront stressful situations head-on. Figure out exactly what is troubling you, then brainstorm solutions with a smart and trusted friend, a behavioral therapist, a coach, or find a great book to help you work through it.  My experience is that even taking a TINY step toward resolving an underlying cause of stress will help you to feel more in control.  Whatever action you take, whether it’s learning time management, or updating your resume, taking any action, however small, can help you feel better.

• Give yourself permission to enjoy a little self-care. Do something that relaxes you even if it’s only for 15 or 20 minutes a day. Take a recharge break: Listen to music you enjoy, read a magazine, practice your golf swing, strum a guitar, call a good friend, savor a cup of tea, take a walk, or dance around your house. You don’t have to be good at what you do; it just has to feel good.

Whatever you do, take time to de-stress, you not only deserve it, you need it!

There has been so much written on the subject of getting what you want. There are manuals, step by step procedures and new age ideas that recommend what to do to achieve our goals.

But I have to say that the only good advice I have ever gotten is to be grateful for what I already have. Through this simple recognition, I realized that everything I ever need is within reach. Just being in a state of gratefulness removes the illusion of not having enough.

The tricky part is to not be caught up in the “more trap”, like, if I only had that one more thing I would be happy, or, if I only had a boyfriend and a car or a house.  The feeling of lack often starts with the perception of not having enough of something to fulfill the need to be happy. When I meditate or sit still quietly every day, I can stop the onslaught of negative thoughts that constantly tells me that I am powerless. If I can remove this negative veil and see it for the lie that it is, I can see how abundant and powerful I really am.

The magic happens from there. Like attracts like. That is the first law in the universe. If you seek love, be the love you seek. If you seek peace, be that peace. This life beckons us to examine what it is that we truly want. Is it really the big house on the hill that will give you the life that you desire? Name your dream and then examine it. Sit still and ask yourself what it is that you really need, and you might surprise yourself. It may not be the expensive car, the beautiful clothes or a fabulous vacation.

These things can actually pull you further away from who you really are, because they often mask the truth of what you truly desire. You might find that what you really wanted already resides within you. The most magical thing happens then when you realize this simple truth, that you already have everything you need, all you have to do is drop everything that is in the way.  When that happens, all the things that you truly want start appearing in your life, as you watch in disbelief, because you did not have to do a thing.

I have this simple story to tell to demonstrate what I am talking about.

A few years back, I was sitting in a coffee shop on a beautiful day taking a break. I struck up a conversation with the gentleman next to me. It just so happened, that he is the father of a fellow yoga teacher I know. He started to entertain me with stories from his son’s childhood and I also found that he was a real-estate agent. In return, I told this older gentleman what my dream house would look like. I described a spacious house with large windows, overlooking an expanse of water, probably situated on a hill. He smiled at me and said that he knew of a house like this and that he wanted me to see it. He gave me the address and his card. I went to look at the house, even though at that time I was in no position to shop for real estate. I was hugely disappointed. I drove by shaking my head in disbelief. How could anyone think that this was my dream house? But this only reinforced the vision that I had. It was as clear as the brightest day. And then I let it go, realizing it was still just a dream.

A couple of years later, my life went into turmoil.  I lost pretty much everything I had or cared about. I was thrown into a completely different lifestyle. Although there was little that remained, I decided to turn to the only thing that mattered: me. Every day I would sit quietly and examine what it was that really was me. I felt the space, the love and the peace that resided there. Nothing else was needed and I was supremely grateful for it. It made me appreciate the beauty of the little I had left and how abundant I could feel regardless of my circumstances.

Soon after, I became involved in a loving relationship and my boyfriend invited me to move in with him.  And guess what? I now live in a house that looks just like the dream house I described to my coffeehouse friend. I do not own it, my boyfriend does, but that is the magic. Abundance is not owned, it is perceived. It comes and goes with the flux of life. And there is no amount of cunning thought that I could have possibly come up with to design how to make this happen.

Sometimes we need a stroke of bad luck to shake us up so we can see things from a different perspective. A simple disaster put me in a place where abundance had to come from inside me – and I am grateful for it every day.

Renata Loree, RYT  is the owner of Yogaspot, a vinyasa yoga studio in Wellesley, Massachusetts. She has been teaching yoga for over 10 years and encourages her students to explore the creative and meditative aspect of yoga to enhance their journey to personal freedom.  Visit her website at Yogaspot.net

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. “  Malachy McCourt

Sometimes bad things happen to you.  People hurt your feelings, they take advantage of you, or they treat you badly. Most of the time, an apology or an honest exchange can clear the air, and you feel better. But once in awhile, that little black cloud of anger and resentment takes up occupancy in your head and heart.  Sadly, while the smoke of anger and resentment is renting that space, it leaves little room for the cohabitation of joy and creativity.

So, for your own sake, you need to evict the resentment.  But how?  I recommend a two-step process:

1) Take all the inspired action you can to clear up the problem; and of that doesn’t solve it,

2) Apply the “Is it helpful?” rule.

For inspired action, (understanding that you can’t control what others do, say or think) you can still state your peace, express yourself, ask for an apology, or whatever it takes to drive the resentment out of your inner space.  I find that this works only if there is no intention of hurting the other person, or for getting revenge… (which is like trying to take your smoke and blow it into the other person’s head).  Inspired action is really about getting your feelings heard and on the table so you can release negativity.

If inspired action still leaves you with residual resentment lurking around, then it’s time to work the “Is it helpful?” rule.

Ask yourself, in this moment, is feeling angry and resentful helpful to me? If the event has already happened, and inspired action has been taken, what is the payoff to holding onto resentment?  Does it make you happier, smarter or more fun?  If the answer is no, why not let it go? Don’t you owe it to yourself to rent your head and heart to creativity, joy and love?  Why cram it full with dark, gloomy resentment?  Who is it hurting besides you?

So do yourself a favor, if it’s not helpful, let it go.

I grew up hating competition, probably because I was taught that if you aren’t the winner, the best you can be is the first loser.  According to my impossible family guidelines, it was as impolite to win, as it was shameful to lose.  One of my parent’s favorite sayings, “You just can’t win,” clearly and ironically sums up a key message of my youth.

Good news.  I’ve come to understand that “healthy competition” is possible, something many other people have understood for a long time.  I believe that healthy competition means that you grow and challenge yourself to be better than you were before.  It’s also an opportunity to learn from others. A competitor’s accomplishments can provide a benchmark for performance and sometimes inspiration to take action.

I re-experienced this recently when my blog was entered into a Best Coaching Blog competition.  Competing with other terrific blogging coaches, I ask myself, what if I don’t win?  The answer is no big deal.    At the same time, in the name of “competition,” I’m increasing readership and learning how to improve the blog.  So just engaging in the process is valuable for me.  In fact, I’ve noticed that my “competitors” are cool people who I want to know.  After all, we share a common vision.  We all value helping others to lead happier, healthier lives.

On the other hand, I’ve witnessed what a bummer it can be when competition is an end in itself.  A “winning is all that matters” perspective is often a shackle instead of a magic carpet ride.  Basing our self-worth solely on winning, or constantly comparing ourselves to others can be hazardous to the soul.  Competing with myself (like what did I learn? or, how can I get better at this thing I love doing?) has been way more productive for me and has resulted in happier outcomes. Check out the movie “Bridesmaids” for a funny but sad look at the way we humans can contort situations when we measure our self-worth by constantly comparing ourselves to others.

I guess competition is like most things in life. In and of itself, it isn’t good or bad, but rather its meaning takes shape by how you play the game.

Love to know how you handle competition.  Is it working for you?

After years of learning to display a stiff upper lip and trying to “fit in”, I want to take a moment to pay tribute to authenticity.  I especially want to send a shout out to those among us who have the courage to share their difficult journeys publicly, including illness, grief, addiction, depression and recovery. I currently follow (and am grateful for) a number of blogs written by brave friends who either share  the challenges they have overcome, or those that they currently face.

The power of sharing our authentic selves was recently evidenced  in an exceptionally inspiring New York Times story about a therapist named Marsha M. Linehan. Lineham, who works with suicidal patients, survived her own journey through mental illness and says she found her sanity when she accepted herself as she was. Now she is sharing her story and pioneering new treatments so that others may learn and benefit from her experience.

I not only believe that sharing our struggles and our vulnerability allows us to journey toward acceptance, but also allows us to love ourselves again. I am  grateful to those who share. I gain perspective when I listen to them. Their stories inspire me and remind me to appreciate the many blessings in my life, like a great meal, the sunshine, a call from a friend and connecting with like-minded souls on Facebook.

Yes, Facebook! Social media now makes sharing and connection even more accessible. Just the other day, my Facebook friend Hernan Hernandez, dashed off an incredibly lovely and moving piece of prose while we chatted in cyberspace,
“I hold my pain close to my bosom, identify with it and make it my own. I cover it with the same love that I blanket my happiness with. I accept it and I thus take away its power over me. I tell myself that these terrible things were just events in my life… and that life is just a series of snapshots… and that in the end, I am the photographer and not the events.”

What great insight!

Thanks to those of you who are brave and kind enough to share. Your stories teach me and remind me that I am only human. I am not the only person who suffers injury and heartbreak, loses my way and sometimes faces darkness. I am not alone. You are with me. And if you are willing to find a way through this crazy life, so am I. Thank you for the smiles, the tears and for reminding me that indeed, the journey is worthwhile – especially if we are in it together.