What is suffering?  Simply put, it’s not accepting the truth.  When you fight with reality, you create resistance and the energy it requires  is painfully unproductive.  Some examples:

• You no longer love your lover but you stay with that person and pretend that everything is okay.
• Your lover no longer loves you and you hope that if you are really good, sexy, well behaved (fill in the blank____)   that your lover will love you again.
• Your arm has been amputated and you try to do the same old things in the same old way.

I’m not saying that you can’t grieve your losses or that it‘s easy.   It’s sad when something we want or that we treasure changes.  I’m going through a divorce, and although I know it is my right path, it hurts to face reality, and there is grief. But I find that simply longing for the past, coddling  the loss or even making wild ass strategic plans to force someone else to change,  doesn’t usually  get me back to where I wish I could be.  So go ahead and feel your sadness, feel your grief, and then, when you’re ready, can you allow that small, but brilliant voice inside you to say,  “This is my new reality – what now?”

I am not saying that its fun to “cowboy up” or that it doesn’t hurt like hell.  What I am saying is that the longer you live in denial of your reality, you prolong your suffering.  Once you say to yourself, “I no longer have two arms, so what can I do with one arm and two legs,” – or, “I can no longer stay in this relationship, so what relationships do I want to create now?” – the faster you can get back into alignment with what is possible and right for you.  Once you reclaim your ability to make choices that nourish you and heal you, suffering begins to shrink.

Denial is okay too.  Sometimes it is the best we can do.  If denial is what you need to take care of yourself, accept it, know it, embrace it and forgive yourself. But please don’t betray your heart forever.  If you do, you may lose your soul, and that is a big price to pay for the cold comfort of numbness.

Suffering is a choice.  What choices are you making?

I recently attended a high school reunion and had a wonderful time. I know lots of folks don’t feel that way about their high school get-togethers, so I feel particularly lucky. Perhaps it’s partly because I attended a “special” high school in Manhattan, where little attention was paid to one’s ethnic and socioeconomic background. Many of us traveled a far distance from neighboring boroughs to get to Manhattan every day, so students were motivated to learn.

For some of us, Stuyvesant High School provided a welcome escape from dysfunctional family life, tough neighborhoods, difficult junior high experiences, and the many other places where we just didn’t seem to fit. There were few fights at school, and to the best of my knowledge, no bullying. In short, at “Stuy”, we had a place to go that felt safe.

That’s not to say that we were all friends, and that there wasn’t typical teenage angst and suffering, but it was a community, one that embraced a live and let-live attitude. Now, almost 35 years later, it’s clear that while most of us have had our share of tragedy, success, love and loss, we are genuinely happy to see each other.

When you think about it, our high school peers are the people who knew us in the raw, when life was still fresh and innocent. The newness of love, lust, joy and hurt were magnified about 1000 times back then and every discovery was tremendously exciting as a result. It was a time of possibility, deep human learning and boundless energy. Our high school peers are the people who knew us when we were kernels that had not yet popped.

And although we share many “secrets”, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. These are the people who know if you were a geek, a stoner or a jock. Fortunately, we seem to have moved beyond the labels that once bound and limited us. At the same time, these folks have a foundational understanding of who we are as individuals, long before we became moms, dads, poets or people in charge of many things.

This shared history allowed me to experience a few magnificent moments at the reunion. It was delicious to be in the presence of people who could still see the shiny, exuberance of youth in each other’s eyes and smiles, while losing track of graying hair, extra pounds and the fine lines of experience etched across our faces.

This experience made me keenly aware that being part of a community that shares values, and values acceptance, is a great gift. Being with people who can see past the exterior and can acknowledge and appreciate the kernel of your raw individuality and share a joyful moment is a soul celebration. Perhaps not all high school reunions afford the same gifts, but my hope for you and I, is that we have many more opportunities to experience and to create these connections throughout our lives, for ourselves, and for others, at work, at play and in our world community.