What triggers you?  Is there an annoying question from a friend or family member that regularly gets you pissed off?   Maybe it’s “Why haven’t you found a job yet?” or “When are you getting married?” It’s a comment or a question that makes you feel unseen, misunderstood or criticized for not being good enough.

Why is this situation so irritating – and why won’t that annoying question go away? The key is that it’s how you feel about yourself that matters. When you have confidence in yourself, you won’t be bothered by what others say, because it won’t matter.   In fact, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you – only what you think of you.

Perhaps that sounds easier said than done.  It all becomes less stressful when you have nothing to prove – especially to yourself.   Suddenly, the trigger becomes a gift because it informs you about your fears and insecurities.  Once you develop awareness of yourself, you can change.  You can handle whatever needs to be addressed.

Here’s a process that you can try:

• First, identify your trigger(s).  What is it and who asks it?  What does it mean to you?
• What is your internal answer to the question? Where do you feel it in your body? What negative thoughts does it bring up for you? The questions you hear from others often reflect the voice of your own inner critic; the negative things you say to yourself inside your head so frequently, you barely notice.  Hear them now.  Get to know them. Shake them out of the trees and question them.  Are they true or are you making false assumptions and engaging in unproductive self-flagellation?
• Reflect.  How would you answer your difficult question if you had nothing to prove to yourself, much less anyone else?   What is the reason that you haven’t gotten a job, or that you haven’t gotten married?  What is true for you?  What do you want and how might you get it? This is not about beating yourself up.  This is about assessing what is really going on for you so you can take inspired action to change your situation or to adjust your thinking.
• Make a plan.  How might you handle a situation that is causing you to self-criticize?  Do you need to have an honest discussion in your relationship?  Do you need to try a different approach to a problem? Should you seek professional help, like a therapist, a career counselor or some other resource that can help you break a pattern that is keeping you from creating the life you desire?

Once you know how you feel, you can start to handle your issue, and the confidence will come. You’ll have taken the first step toward understanding that you have nothing to prove.  You’ve done the work.  Although things may be difficult, you know where you are going and you know why.   Suddenly, all you have to do is gracefully manage the question next time it comes up.   Chances are, this will become easier as the trigger loses some of its sting.

So next time your Aunt Hilda asks you that awful question for the umpteenth time, recognize that she may not be able to hear what you say.  Perhaps she is simply mirroring her own fears and concerns.  Recognize that that is about her, not about you.  And with that knowledge, maybe you can give your Aunt a hug and a smile, tell her not to worry, and then politely change the subject.

More about Me…

I’m a life and career coach helping professionals and artists reduce stress in their lives and to achieve their dreams.  If you have a situation or a problem that is causing you to feel like you have cobwebs in your brain, contact me at cat@theprojectcoach.com for a complimentary 30-minute consultation, and get started back to clarity.  And, you can get more information at www.theprojectcoach.com

I am sad to say that I have not been posting as regularly as I like to these last few weeks.  Suddenly, the tasks and deadlines before me (moving!) have demanded focus away from writing.  I hate when that happens!  But sometimes, you just have to go with it.

However, I feel blessed by synchronicity.  I was reading the Sunday paper (on Monday night) only to encounter an article by columnist Gareth Cook entitled “Getting it All Done” in the Boston Globe.  Since you and I are probably both busy, I will spare you the details and get to the moral of the story:

Research has shown that “doing something for someone else provides a tremendous boost in our confidence that we can get things done.  It makes us feel in control of our lives – effective.  The future feels more open.”

Ha!  So there you go.  Do more for others and you feel better about what you can do.  Marvelous.   I’ll give that a try.

One caveat:  The article points out that there is an upper limit to this effect, “a point at which the hours of helping others become an additional stress.” So, don’t forget to hone your time management skills don’t overdo.

I loved the article so much that  I posted it in its entirety at http://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/bid/73895/The-Secret-to-Having-Enough-Time.   So, if you can spare the time, check it out, or visit the Globe at http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2012/03/31/getting-all-done/qY3YonQhICRgq1KBQfFlrI/story.html?p1=Bcom_ArticleStub_LogIn

Happy Coping!

After 40 years, I’ve learned through experience that effective communication enables successful living. Nevertheless, I’m not an expert, so I asked Laurie Schloff, nationally recognized executive communications trainer and coach, (and author of two popular books – Smart Speaking and He and She Talk), to share her Top Six Secrets of Effective Leadership Communication with me.     She offered many interesting insights in her interview, which you can listen to below.  

 Here’s a summary of  a few key points from the interview that I found especially compelling:

Being an effective communicator becomes increasingly important as you progress in your career.  At a certain point, technical expertise is expected and  leadership success is measured by your ability to motivate and inspire others.

Good news!  Anyone can improve his or her communication skills, even if public speaking terrifies you!  There are tools that most of us can learn to help us improve.  It all starts with awareness of how you communicate and the impact you are having on others, so practice self-reflection and ask for feedback from your trusted friends and associates, or visit with a coach.  Schloff also suggests that practicing and preparing for communication events helps build confidence.

Don’t forget, communication encompasses more than just the words you say.  It also includes the content of your message and non-verbal cues like posture, behavior and even how you look.  The sound of your voice also has impact.  For example, ask yourself, do you speak clearly and enthusiastically or do you tend to mumble or speak in monotone? 

Here are Laurie’s top six secrets of effective leadership communication.  More details and tips are available in the recording.  

1. Value good communication
2. Employ a communication philosophy, or mission statement
3. Turn your philosophy into action
4. Be a role model by creating a positive communication culture
5. Mentor and train others in your organization
6. Create accountability for upholding established communication guidelines

Here are her top five DON’Ts for good leadership communication.  Again, give the interview a listen if you’d like more specifics and implementation tips.  

1. Don’t be a jerk
2. Don’t hide
3. Don’t  just  notice the negatives (Give 3 positives for every negative)
4. Don’t be unclear with your message
5. Don’t think everyone is like you:  vary your leadership and communication  according to the needs of person(s) with whom you are communicating 

For more information, contact Laurie  via e-mail at laurie@speechimprovement.com or call her at the Speech Improvement Company at 617-739-3330.    Visit the Speech Improvement Company  site  to find webinars and other communication resources  and to learn more about  in-person and remote coaching. 

Much success to you in all your communication endeavors!