This weekend, as I mourned the horrendous loss of life in the Connecticut school shooting along with the rest of the country, I asked myself this question many times, “How do you stop a crazed gunman?” Sadly, the answer seems to be, you probably can’t.  By the time he is holding the gun, the time to stop him or her, has passed.  But that answer doesn’t satisfy my heart and so I continue to seek a response, a course of action so that I may begin to heal my grief with hope.

I believe that while we may not be able to stop a crazed gunman, we may be able to help the child that might otherwise become that gunman.  Inside all of us is a child, a child who may have been bullied, who may have had problems, been traumatized, or who may have been overlooked and passed over and passed along in our system.

Somehow, we have got to take better care of our children, and perhaps that starts by taking better care of ourselves.  Perhaps we need to take an extra moment out of our day to be kinder to ourselves, and then to others.  Perhaps we should stop and help, even when it would be much easier on us and on our hectic schedules to keep on going.

Perhaps I can take a moment to notice and acknowledge the challenges facing another human being.  I can smile.  I can say please and thank you.  I can greet another person with kindness and acknowledge our shared humanity, whether it is a homeless person, the cleaner at the gym or the assistant at my office.   I can take time to call and check on an elderly friend and lend an empathetic ear.

I think I’m a decent person, and yet, I know I can be better.  I can find ways to voice my opposition to injustice I can open my heart not just to my family, but also to the family of man.  I can stop asking, “What’s wrong with this world? And start asking, “What’s right with this world, and how can I be a part of it? “

I can question myself when I feel jealousy, resentment, fear or hatred.  I can get help to understand those feelings, and in turn, help others, especially our children, to understand their feelings – and to cope with them. I can find ways to heal myself, through prayer, yoga, meditation, nonviolent communication and community.  I can reach out.  I may not be able to save the world, but I can be more loving every day, to myself and to others.

I owe it to those innocent children in Connecticut to not just wonder how such horror can occur, but also to wonder what might we do collectively, and individually to change the things in our world that don’t support  the mentally ill, and the children who are suffering from trauma and other kinds of wounds.  Maybe that includes better gun control, maybe that includes locking down our schools, but I also believe it means helping people to love themselves – and each other more. How can we support each other so that we can be well in body, mind and spirit?  How do we work toward loving inclusion, embrace and assist those who are less fortunate or different from ourselves?

How do I become an instrument of good works and positive change?

We may not have all the answers, but I believe that if we keep asking the right questions and seek to live with love, respect, kindness and make wellness a priority over video games as babysitters, more possessions, climbing the corporate ladder and a million other distractions that keep us from putting our children and our souls first, then we can and will change the world.   It is my only hope.

What is suffering?  Simply put, it’s not accepting the truth.  When you fight with reality, you create resistance and the energy it requires  is painfully unproductive.  Some examples:

• You no longer love your lover but you stay with that person and pretend that everything is okay.
• Your lover no longer loves you and you hope that if you are really good, sexy, well behaved (fill in the blank____)   that your lover will love you again.
• Your arm has been amputated and you try to do the same old things in the same old way.

I’m not saying that you can’t grieve your losses or that it‘s easy.   It’s sad when something we want or that we treasure changes.  I’m going through a divorce, and although I know it is my right path, it hurts to face reality, and there is grief. But I find that simply longing for the past, coddling  the loss or even making wild ass strategic plans to force someone else to change,  doesn’t usually  get me back to where I wish I could be.  So go ahead and feel your sadness, feel your grief, and then, when you’re ready, can you allow that small, but brilliant voice inside you to say,  “This is my new reality – what now?”

I am not saying that its fun to “cowboy up” or that it doesn’t hurt like hell.  What I am saying is that the longer you live in denial of your reality, you prolong your suffering.  Once you say to yourself, “I no longer have two arms, so what can I do with one arm and two legs,” – or, “I can no longer stay in this relationship, so what relationships do I want to create now?” – the faster you can get back into alignment with what is possible and right for you.  Once you reclaim your ability to make choices that nourish you and heal you, suffering begins to shrink.

Denial is okay too.  Sometimes it is the best we can do.  If denial is what you need to take care of yourself, accept it, know it, embrace it and forgive yourself. But please don’t betray your heart forever.  If you do, you may lose your soul, and that is a big price to pay for the cold comfort of numbness.

Suffering is a choice.  What choices are you making?

Physical spaces in our lives can stress us, make us sick, or help us be well.

Science is now proving what we have known intuitively for centuries – that beautiful surroundings and “places of peace” aid healing. Maybe that’s one explanation of why so many of us are willing to pay more for a hotel room with a beautiful view.

According to immunologist Esther Sternberg, Research Director at the University of Arizona in Tucson, a living being is constantly repairing itself against a variety of different insults in its environment at a molecular, a cellular, and an emotional level.  Therefore, we simply cannot underestimate our environment when it comes to the impact it has on our well-being and our stress level.  When individuals who need to heal are placed in environments that don’t trigger a stress response, they are likely to release positive, anti-pain molecules and dopamine molecules that allow their bodies to heal more effectively.

The good news for you and I, is that means we can affect our wellness by managing our internal and external spaces. Since most of us are healing all the time, perhaps from a jagged day at work, bad traffic, illness, depression, whatever – we can’t afford to overlook creating a place of peace in our lives – internally and externally. The excellent news is that people like Sternberg are working with architects to build better wellness into our hospitals, workplaces, and homes so daily healing can be easier for all of us.

At an “On Being” radio interview, Sternberg spoke about her new book, Healing Spaces: The Science of Place and Well-Being.  She cited a well-controlled hospital study in which the single variable that differed between patients was a view out the window.  The study found that the patients with a view of a grove of trees left the hospital a day sooner (on average), needed less pain medication, and had fewer negative nurse’s notes than patients who had a view of a brick wall.

Sternberg makes it clear that she’s not advising anyone to cancel chemotherapy and to escape to a desert island for his or her recovery.  Rather, she advocates that you aid your healing process by managing your environment and using mindful modalities, like meditation, yoga and prayer to help amplify pathways in the brain that are proven to help the immune system do its job of healing.

Sternberg talks about finding your “place of peace”, both inside and out.  She intimates what that means is slowing down – by either forgetting or not worrying about time. In daily living, we’re so conscious of time, it’s hard to strip that preoccupation away.  Activities like walking slowly, using a Buddhist prayer wheel or drum, or visiting a meditation garden can help you to slow down and notice the beauty around you.

Sternberg commented “…the most important point that I came to in my own journey in writing this book is that we really can create places of peace not only in our real world, in our physical environment that surrounds us, but in our own mind’s eye. And those kinds of places of peace are portable. In many different traditions, like the Buddhist tradition or in virtually all religious traditions, you close your eyes and you visualize something. That’s a way of carrying these environments, these healing places, within you. It’s wonderful if you can go to them, but if you can’t, you can bring them to yourself.”

Now that Sternberg’s reminded us how important our surroundings (internal and external) are, I hope you will take some time to invest in yourself and your living space. Rid yourself of clutter, but also honor objects of beauty and meaning, and add music, color and light. I hope you will allow yourself a few precious moments of quiet mindfulness each day; even five minutes can make a difference. My hunch is you’ll feel better for it.

Check out the full interview here: http://www.onbeing.org/program/science-healing-places/4856

Our thoughts and our words have tremendous power.  Consider this quote from freethechildren.org:

“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.”

For more on using words to change your destiny, visit my blog at http://www.theprojectcoach.com/blog/bid/78493/How-Words-Can-Change-Your-Destiny  and check out this great little video about word power. If you can’t see it, click here: http://youtu.be/jOMMFx1NZt0

Painting by Artist and Yogi, Renata Loree

A little poster at my local yoga studio reads, “Don’t forget to enjoy the journey.”

I scowl.  Exactly what does that mean? Aren’t there some days when everything just sucks? With that, I enter class and mindfully flow my way through the poses.  My breath sweeps over the ragged edges of my thoughts like a wave – polishing, rounding and softening them.

HELLO!  Time to awaken to the good.  I am in this amazing class –forgetting how lucky I am to be here and to have access to this practice.  A new perspective:  I am focusing so much on the challenges that I am taking the good things for granted!  Although I spend many of my days battling incompetent and seemingly uncaring service providers, I overlook the gift of my intelligence and forbearance to do so.  And yes, my car, my bike, and my washer broke down in the same week, but gosh, I was able to get them fixed.  Yes, I am rearranging the details of my life.  And while it is time consuming and disorienting, I chose this path.   I am deeply grateful to have had the freedom to make that choice.

I also know that when difficult things happen that are not my choice, I still have the ability to choose how I deal with them.  In retrospect, I find it’s adversity that makes me stronger, wiser or takes me to the next place I need to be. When all else is amiss, I also find comfort and joy in the friends who stand by me during the hard times and who never fail to cajole me to laughter, even when the going gets tough.

That little poster turned out to be a wise reminder that when we focus only on the things that are negative and the things that aren’t getting done, it’s easy to forget to appreciate and enjoy all the things that are right in our world.   So next time you’re flummoxed, try taking stock of what is right for you:  a gorgeous sky, the air, your abilities, your pet, your loved ones.   Perhaps most importantly, remember that things are always changing.  Thankfully, every new moment brings new possibility.

“There are things known and things unknown and in between are the doors.” 

Quote by Jim Morrison, American Poet and Singer, member of the band, The Doors.

Hello friends! I hope you have been enjoying your summer.  I’ve been spending my time opening and closing doors, and arranging furniture in the rooms in between. The process has been challenging, enlightening and consuming.

Check out my latest Project U. blog, if you want to read a little more about transformation…

Back soon!

Catherine

The state of your home is thought to be a reflection of your soul.  Is it any wonder then, that moving is stressful and disorienting even when you are going somewhere wonderful?   In some ways, sorting, cleaning, purging, reorganizing, packing and unpacking are like calisthenics for the soul.  These activities force you to shake things up, to rid yourself of unnecessary flab that may be weighing you down. So perhaps, a move now and then, (or at least a good spring-cleaning) may be beneficial, though strenuous, for the soul.

As I dug deeply into twenty years of accumulated possessions in preparation for a recent move to a smaller home, I had to make some hard decisions about what to keep and what to shed. It was difficult to part with some things that I no longer use – and I had to ask myself why I was clinging to them.     If the answer was that these items brought me joy or made my life more beautiful, I kept them.  If they did not, I realized that keeping them would prevent me from adding new things to my surroundings that could bring me more joy and beauty.  It wasn’t completely comfortable to let them go, but it was necessary, so I did.

Now as I walk into my new cozy abode, I feel lighter and shinier.  My hope for you is that you too find a way to make more space in your home (and your soul) for those things that bring you joy.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance.

Author Unknown

What triggers you?  Is there an annoying question from a friend or family member that regularly gets you pissed off?   Maybe it’s “Why haven’t you found a job yet?” or “When are you getting married?” It’s a comment or a question that makes you feel unseen, misunderstood or criticized for not being good enough.

Why is this situation so irritating – and why won’t that annoying question go away? The key is that it’s how you feel about yourself that matters. When you have confidence in yourself, you won’t be bothered by what others say, because it won’t matter.   In fact, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you – only what you think of you.

Perhaps that sounds easier said than done.  It all becomes less stressful when you have nothing to prove – especially to yourself.   Suddenly, the trigger becomes a gift because it informs you about your fears and insecurities.  Once you develop awareness of yourself, you can change.  You can handle whatever needs to be addressed.

Here’s a process that you can try:

• First, identify your trigger(s).  What is it and who asks it?  What does it mean to you?
• What is your internal answer to the question? Where do you feel it in your body? What negative thoughts does it bring up for you? The questions you hear from others often reflect the voice of your own inner critic; the negative things you say to yourself inside your head so frequently, you barely notice.  Hear them now.  Get to know them. Shake them out of the trees and question them.  Are they true or are you making false assumptions and engaging in unproductive self-flagellation?
• Reflect.  How would you answer your difficult question if you had nothing to prove to yourself, much less anyone else?   What is the reason that you haven’t gotten a job, or that you haven’t gotten married?  What is true for you?  What do you want and how might you get it? This is not about beating yourself up.  This is about assessing what is really going on for you so you can take inspired action to change your situation or to adjust your thinking.
• Make a plan.  How might you handle a situation that is causing you to self-criticize?  Do you need to have an honest discussion in your relationship?  Do you need to try a different approach to a problem? Should you seek professional help, like a therapist, a career counselor or some other resource that can help you break a pattern that is keeping you from creating the life you desire?

Once you know how you feel, you can start to handle your issue, and the confidence will come. You’ll have taken the first step toward understanding that you have nothing to prove.  You’ve done the work.  Although things may be difficult, you know where you are going and you know why.   Suddenly, all you have to do is gracefully manage the question next time it comes up.   Chances are, this will become easier as the trigger loses some of its sting.

So next time your Aunt Hilda asks you that awful question for the umpteenth time, recognize that she may not be able to hear what you say.  Perhaps she is simply mirroring her own fears and concerns.  Recognize that that is about her, not about you.  And with that knowledge, maybe you can give your Aunt a hug and a smile, tell her not to worry, and then politely change the subject.

More about Me…

I’m a life and career coach helping professionals and artists reduce stress in their lives and to achieve their dreams.  If you have a situation or a problem that is causing you to feel like you have cobwebs in your brain, contact me at cat@theprojectcoach.com for a complimentary 30-minute consultation, and get started back to clarity.  And, you can get more information at www.theprojectcoach.com

Please enjoy this post from life coach Martha Beck’s recent newsletter about changing the perception of time.  Visit her site at http://marthabeck.com.

There is room…

Insight from Martha Beck

Everything changes in time. This is the one constant in a Universe where all solid things ultimately disintegrate. It is the core principle that drives our fears and that led the Buddha to proclaim that the understanding of impermanence was the first “noble truth” that must be mastered by anyone who hopes to attain enlightenment.

Me, I’m just trying to get my damn laundry done before I have to leave for the airport.

I have struggled with time since I was a very small child. I remember vividly lying awake the night before my 4th birthday, staring at the ceiling, worrying intensely over how little I had accomplished over such a long period of time. I assumed that all the other 4-year-olds were much further along in their life missions. By the time I was in high school I was virtually insane with time anxiety. I got into a bitter argument with a friend who asked me what bothered me most about this world. I said “transience.” My friend thought I said “transients.” To this day, I think he abhors my position on our nation’s homeless population. What I meant, of course, was that everything passes away, and that I could not reconcile myself to the continuous loss that is an inevitable aspect of linear time. On a more basic note, I never felt I had enough time to do everything I hoped to accomplish. If I had known in high school how dramatically time demands would increase in the 21st century I would still be under my bed.

At this point in my life, I am lucky enough to have help with many tasks that once filled my available time and spilled over into time I should have spent sleeping. Even so I always feel I am running behind schedule. A few weeks ago I lost the cheap plastic Target watch that I was wearing because I know that I am always losing watches. For a few days I was on the road without a clock on my body. I was shocked by how often I looked at my left wrist. I remembered a Haitian proverb that became popular after slavery was abolished on the island: “The white man’s shackles have been replaced by his watches.” I had been experiencing time as my prison, my limitation, and my overseer.

To my huge relief, I soon bought another cheap plastic watch. But this one had a feature I had never seen. To set the time, I had to bring up a screen that said “chrono.” Every time I saw this screen a strange thought would pop into my mind. Not chronos, kairos. Chronos is a greek word that referred to the passage of linear time. Kairos means the time of the Gods. A moment of chronos is simply the tick of a clock. A moment of kairos is an undetermined time when an opening appears for the entry of the divine into the material world. Chronos is clock-time, kairos is god-time.

Either my subconscious mind or a passing guardian angel seems to be telling me that in order to move forward successfully with my purpose in life, I must relinquish my death grip on chronos and surrender to kairos. I am only beginning to experiment with this–such is the obsession with chronos I’ve had since preschool. At this point, my practice (and I would suggest this for you too if it feels interesting) is to notice that every day is peppered with kairos moments. A kairos moment may occur when your schedule is so full you feel like screaming. The message is to stop, to forget chronos, and to feel the calming force telling you almost nothing on your schedule is really important. A kairos moment might be the double-take you do when your eyes catch something beautiful or awe-inspiring. Take off your watch: the divine is speaking to you. A kairos moment may be the burst of laughter that comes when you realize all your darkest fears are fabrications of your mind. They are not happening now in this moment. This moment is the doorway to god. Stop and open it.

To remind myself of this I have been taking off my watch for several hours each day. Each time I look at my wrist and see nothing but skin I remember to drop chronos and feel for kairos. Within the kairos moment nothing ever needs to be done, and everything can happen at once. Life can weave itself around my heart’s desires. In one instant of kairos, there is room for everything we have envisioned for ourselves and for one another. I’ll meet you there.

~ Martha