What I know is that there comes a time in your life where you have to do what is right for you, even if it is difficult and you will disappoint others.

What I know is that disappointing yourself is not a good practice; if you do it often enough, it can turn into a poisonous resentment and anger – toward yourself and toward others.

What I know is that you can love someone and decide that the relationship in its current form is not healthy or good for you and that you can still love that person – even after the relationship gets redefined.

What I know is that it’s not your job to make other people happy.  Your job is to be you.

What I know is that if you love someone, but you don’t know how to love them in a way that they understand or want to be loved, then your love may only serve you, not them – and that can be frustrating for everyone.

What I know is that having equanimity when things get tough doesn’t mean you won’t ride a roller coaster of fear, anxiety, anger, hope and sadness.  It just means that you can deal with the present moment more calmly, because you have faith that this too shall pass.

What I know is that we each experience grief in our own way and that there is no easy path through it. One must experience it, acknowledge it, and honor it and – eventually, let it subside, when it has done its work, and you, yours.

What I know is that the sun will rise over the horizon tomorrow and that I am blessed everyday that I have the privilege of witnessing it.

What triggers you?  Is there an annoying question from a friend or family member that regularly gets you pissed off?   Maybe it’s “Why haven’t you found a job yet?” or “When are you getting married?” It’s a comment or a question that makes you feel unseen, misunderstood or criticized for not being good enough.

Why is this situation so irritating – and why won’t that annoying question go away? The key is that it’s how you feel about yourself that matters. When you have confidence in yourself, you won’t be bothered by what others say, because it won’t matter.   In fact, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you – only what you think of you.

Perhaps that sounds easier said than done.  It all becomes less stressful when you have nothing to prove – especially to yourself.   Suddenly, the trigger becomes a gift because it informs you about your fears and insecurities.  Once you develop awareness of yourself, you can change.  You can handle whatever needs to be addressed.

Here’s a process that you can try:

• First, identify your trigger(s).  What is it and who asks it?  What does it mean to you?
• What is your internal answer to the question? Where do you feel it in your body? What negative thoughts does it bring up for you? The questions you hear from others often reflect the voice of your own inner critic; the negative things you say to yourself inside your head so frequently, you barely notice.  Hear them now.  Get to know them. Shake them out of the trees and question them.  Are they true or are you making false assumptions and engaging in unproductive self-flagellation?
• Reflect.  How would you answer your difficult question if you had nothing to prove to yourself, much less anyone else?   What is the reason that you haven’t gotten a job, or that you haven’t gotten married?  What is true for you?  What do you want and how might you get it? This is not about beating yourself up.  This is about assessing what is really going on for you so you can take inspired action to change your situation or to adjust your thinking.
• Make a plan.  How might you handle a situation that is causing you to self-criticize?  Do you need to have an honest discussion in your relationship?  Do you need to try a different approach to a problem? Should you seek professional help, like a therapist, a career counselor or some other resource that can help you break a pattern that is keeping you from creating the life you desire?

Once you know how you feel, you can start to handle your issue, and the confidence will come. You’ll have taken the first step toward understanding that you have nothing to prove.  You’ve done the work.  Although things may be difficult, you know where you are going and you know why.   Suddenly, all you have to do is gracefully manage the question next time it comes up.   Chances are, this will become easier as the trigger loses some of its sting.

So next time your Aunt Hilda asks you that awful question for the umpteenth time, recognize that she may not be able to hear what you say.  Perhaps she is simply mirroring her own fears and concerns.  Recognize that that is about her, not about you.  And with that knowledge, maybe you can give your Aunt a hug and a smile, tell her not to worry, and then politely change the subject.

More about Me…

I’m a life and career coach helping professionals and artists reduce stress in their lives and to achieve their dreams.  If you have a situation or a problem that is causing you to feel like you have cobwebs in your brain, contact me at cat@theprojectcoach.com for a complimentary 30-minute consultation, and get started back to clarity.  And, you can get more information at www.theprojectcoach.com

Please enjoy this post from life coach Martha Beck’s recent newsletter about changing the perception of time.  Visit her site at http://marthabeck.com.

There is room…

Insight from Martha Beck

Everything changes in time. This is the one constant in a Universe where all solid things ultimately disintegrate. It is the core principle that drives our fears and that led the Buddha to proclaim that the understanding of impermanence was the first “noble truth” that must be mastered by anyone who hopes to attain enlightenment.

Me, I’m just trying to get my damn laundry done before I have to leave for the airport.

I have struggled with time since I was a very small child. I remember vividly lying awake the night before my 4th birthday, staring at the ceiling, worrying intensely over how little I had accomplished over such a long period of time. I assumed that all the other 4-year-olds were much further along in their life missions. By the time I was in high school I was virtually insane with time anxiety. I got into a bitter argument with a friend who asked me what bothered me most about this world. I said “transience.” My friend thought I said “transients.” To this day, I think he abhors my position on our nation’s homeless population. What I meant, of course, was that everything passes away, and that I could not reconcile myself to the continuous loss that is an inevitable aspect of linear time. On a more basic note, I never felt I had enough time to do everything I hoped to accomplish. If I had known in high school how dramatically time demands would increase in the 21st century I would still be under my bed.

At this point in my life, I am lucky enough to have help with many tasks that once filled my available time and spilled over into time I should have spent sleeping. Even so I always feel I am running behind schedule. A few weeks ago I lost the cheap plastic Target watch that I was wearing because I know that I am always losing watches. For a few days I was on the road without a clock on my body. I was shocked by how often I looked at my left wrist. I remembered a Haitian proverb that became popular after slavery was abolished on the island: “The white man’s shackles have been replaced by his watches.” I had been experiencing time as my prison, my limitation, and my overseer.

To my huge relief, I soon bought another cheap plastic watch. But this one had a feature I had never seen. To set the time, I had to bring up a screen that said “chrono.” Every time I saw this screen a strange thought would pop into my mind. Not chronos, kairos. Chronos is a greek word that referred to the passage of linear time. Kairos means the time of the Gods. A moment of chronos is simply the tick of a clock. A moment of kairos is an undetermined time when an opening appears for the entry of the divine into the material world. Chronos is clock-time, kairos is god-time.

Either my subconscious mind or a passing guardian angel seems to be telling me that in order to move forward successfully with my purpose in life, I must relinquish my death grip on chronos and surrender to kairos. I am only beginning to experiment with this–such is the obsession with chronos I’ve had since preschool. At this point, my practice (and I would suggest this for you too if it feels interesting) is to notice that every day is peppered with kairos moments. A kairos moment may occur when your schedule is so full you feel like screaming. The message is to stop, to forget chronos, and to feel the calming force telling you almost nothing on your schedule is really important. A kairos moment might be the double-take you do when your eyes catch something beautiful or awe-inspiring. Take off your watch: the divine is speaking to you. A kairos moment may be the burst of laughter that comes when you realize all your darkest fears are fabrications of your mind. They are not happening now in this moment. This moment is the doorway to god. Stop and open it.

To remind myself of this I have been taking off my watch for several hours each day. Each time I look at my wrist and see nothing but skin I remember to drop chronos and feel for kairos. Within the kairos moment nothing ever needs to be done, and everything can happen at once. Life can weave itself around my heart’s desires. In one instant of kairos, there is room for everything we have envisioned for ourselves and for one another. I’ll meet you there.

~ Martha

When I talk with some coaching clients, they often tell me that it’s hard to take time for themselves. It makes them feel “selfish” and that, they say is a bad thing.  But I disagree with their premise. I don’t think that taking care of yourself is necessarily the same as being selfish.    In fact, if you look closely, taking care of yourself could be beneficial for everyone.  How?  Let’s start with some definitions:

Self-ish : you put your needs above others

Self-less:  you put others needs above yours

Self-caring:  your needs are equal to the needs of others.

I believe if every person could practice self-care, that the world would heal itself. Why?  Just imagine how we would treat each other if no one’s needs were greater or lesser than anyone else’s.   So, if I believe that my need for X is just as important as your need for Y – and you feel the same way, my guess is that we could create a solution that respectfully allows us to both get what we need.  Maybe we could take turns, or find a way to share available resources.  We could relax because we could trust one another and ourselves.

And yes, sometimes being self-less does make sense, like when you put your life on the line to rescue a child from a burning building, or some situation that compels you to take heroic action. However, on a day-to-day basis, being self-less can create resentment, anger and inequality… not a condition that adds to mutual respect and understanding.

So, I say, acknowledge and honor what you need, and respect the needs of others.  Realize that everyone has needs and rights – even you.  Try to work with others to create mutually satisfactory solutions.  If the other person doesn’t cooperate (either because they are selfish or self-less) you still have nothing to lose, because you will have acknowledged and addressed your needs.  Maybe others will follow your example.   If everyone did exactly that and developed more self- esteem and mutual respect, perhaps there would be peace on earth.   Or, at least a little more kindness.

What should you do when something that you consider to be absolute truth is questioned?  Faced with new information from a recent study claiming that multivitamins and other dietary supplements provide little benefit and may actually be harmful, I had to ask myself just that question.  For years, countless, reliable resources stated that taking a daily multivitamin is good for your health. Suddenly, a new study (released in the Archives of Internal Medicine) contradicts that claim, finding a small increase in the risk of death among older women who took a dietary supplement compared with those who didn’t.

So, should I continue to take supplements? More and more frequently, there seems to be diverse opinion in the medical community about what actually works, and what does not. Witness the recent controversy over mammograms and prostate cancer testing.  What are we to believe, and more importantly, what are we to do?

I can only suggest that you and I must decide for ourselves what is right for us. There appears to be a growing body of evidence that we as individuals have no choice but to take responsibility for ourselves, particularly when it comes to our health. Whether it is medical care or financial security, we need to get all the information we can, especially about ourselves, and then make a decision.  The thing that it seems we must protect above all, is our personal right to decide and to choose what is best for us.

It’s a big job, but I don’t see an alternative if one wishes to stay well in a fast paced, ever-changing world.  Start by knowing yourself.  Know what works for you and what doesn’t.  Notice what improves your energy and your wellness; notice what does not.  Read labels, find reliable resources and consult them. Take charge of good decision making in your world. Start by developing a loving, nurturing relationship with your body, and I believe much of the rest will follow.

As far as supplementation, take the time to be your own best advocate by understanding what you are eating and what might be lacking in your diet.  I’m not going to wax poetic on what you should eat, because there are thousands of articles and resources about the right combinations of fruits, veggies, lean protein, and organic, local foods. Besides, whatever I suggest may not be the best thing for you. 

As for me, I generally eat well, but I also know that I don’t always get enough Omega 3 and Vitamin D.   On days that I don’t eat fish or fortified eggs, I do take an Omega 3 supplement.  I also take vitamin D (with calcium and magnesium) during the winter months when I don’t get much sunlight.  I am still deciding whether I want to continue taking my multivitamin.   Honestly, I have more research to do.

The world can be confusing. One study, one point of view does not fit all.  There is a wealth of information available, and yet so much of it appears to conflict. What I do know is that no one knows you as well as you do.  So do your job as caretaker of your body, pay attention and become your own best advocate.

Perhaps we should manage “our business” knowing that a storm could come. Think about it. With a hurricane watch, you know a storm may hit, but you don’t know exactly when, where or how hard it will be, so you entertain a plan for the worst-case scenario, but you hope for the best.

My experience managing projects, either life or business endeavors, is that it works out well when I have a plan for meeting challenges.  I don’t stop everything and just stay home all day – because maybe the storm never comes. And I don’t just pretend that nothing could ever go wrong.  Positive thinking is terrific and motivating, but simply thinking positive thoughts without any forward planning is sometimes disastrous (British Petroleum and the oil spill somehow come to mind!)

Rather, I prefer a more pragmatic approach.  Stay positive, stay in the moment, but have a contingency plan.  Sometimes just knowing that I have an answer to the question, “What would I do if …?”  is good enough.  I hope that “if” never really happens, but if it does, I prefer to have some rain gear in my pocket.

Of course, from time to time, there are huge emergencies that you just can’t even imagine (like the meltdown of a nuclear reactor after an earthquake).  For that, I pack an extra helping of faith and I pray that I can execute well on this quote from Arnold Glasgow, “Success is simple. Do what’s right, the right way, at the right time.”

Wishing you much success in the storms of life, and many rainbows to follow!

A recent study cited by the Los Angeles Times shows that eating a low-calorie diet in which carbohydrates have a bigger presence at dinner than spread throughout other times of the day, not only resulted in more weight loss, but appears to offer several healthful benefits, including improvements in glucose balance, insulin resistance, cholesterol levels and inflammation markers.  

Researchers randomly assigned 100 obese male and female Israeli police officers age 25 to 55 to one of two diets for six months: a standard low-calorie diet (this served as the control group), or a low-calorie diet that offered more carbohydrates at dinner. Both diets contained about 1,300 to 1,500 calories per day.

After six months the experimental group that ate more carbs at dinner saw more weight loss, body fat mass reduction and lower abdominal circumference than the control group. The experimental group also had higher satiety levels during the day than did the control group.  According to the study’s authors, this probablyoccurred because the experimental group had a smaller decrease in leptin levels, the hormone that tells the brain when the body is full, than did the control group. When leptin levels are very low, we feel hunger.

The study kept nutritional breakdowns the same for both groups: 20% protein, 30% to 35% fat, and 45% to 50% carbohydrate. But those in the experimental diet ate more protein than carbs at breakfast and lunch and ate more carbs at dinner, while the control group scattered their carbs more evenly throughout the day.

The study abstract sums it up like this: “A simple dietary manipulation of carbohydrate distribution appears to have additional benefits when compared to a conventional weight loss diet in individuals suffering from obesity.” The study was published online  in the  journal Obesity.

Is it possible that the old adage, “you are what you eat,” could also translate to “you are what you make for dinner”? When Glamour magazine introduced their new book “100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know: Engagement Chicken and 99 Other Fabulous Dishes to Get You Everything You Want in Life” on the Today show, it got me thinking.

Could the food you serve be a metaphor for your personality and attitudes?  Once I pictured all the people I know and what they make for dinner, I became convinced that an association does exist!

Check it out – Below, I listed the categories I created. Take the quiz and let me know if I’m onto something.  Buyer beware, I used no known scientific principles in the creation of this nomenclature.

1. First, pick the category of food that best matches what you serve yourself and others for dinner most often to determine your primary style.  If you have hybrid dinner habits, you can assign percentages to the different categories to create a more complex personality profile.  (That’s what happened with me. I ended up as a Simple Food 50%, Exotic and Spicy 25%, Gourmet and Healthy Takeout, 20%, and Meat and Potatoes 5%.   I am also a Store-Bought Baker.)

• Gourmet
• Meat and Potatoes
• Simple Food  (e.g. meatloaf, soups, grilled fish, salad and roast chicken)
• Vegetarian or Vegan 
• Exotic  and Spicy
• Whatever I Have in the Cupboard and Fridge ( e.g. soup, cereal, canned or frozen foods)
• Gourmet or Healthy Take-Out  
• Fast Food Take-Out
• Mama Bear Baker  (e.g. chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies, brownies, fruit  crisp)
• Boutique Baker  ( e.g. Truffle Cake, Pavlova , Passion Fruit Soufflé)
• Store-Bought Baker
• Someone Else Takes Care of My Dinner

 2. Now read what personality traits and attitudes are assigned to each of your categories:

• Gourmet:  I want nothing but the best for me and my loved ones.  I pay great attention to detail and am a bit of a perfectionist with a need for creative expression.
• Meat and Potatoes: I am the salt of the earth, hardy, sturdy, direct, loyal, and dependable.
• Simple Food:  I’m hospitable, loving, and down to earth.  I’ll take care of you, no fuss, and make you feel at home.
• Vegetarian or Vegan: I’m health conscious, environmentally aware, and empathetic to others and their causes.
• Exotic and Spicy:  I enjoy the exotic and spicy side of life and I have a flair for the dramatic.
• Whatever I Have in the Cupboard and Fridge:  Don’t bore me with the mundane details of life; Iwant to get on with it and enjoy myself.  I hate wasting time on the details, but I will take care of whatever has to be done.
• Gourmet or Healthy Take-Out:  I’m in a hurry to live my life and get on with it.  I don’t have much time, but I want my basic needs met with style, and I am willing to pay money for it.
• Fast Food Take-Out: I’m in a hurry to live my life and get on with it.  Time and money are precious resources to me, so don’t bore me with details.  Whatever I do have time to do, I want it to give me the satisfaction I deserve.
• Mama Bear Baker:   I am nurturing and enjoy a sense of community. 
• Boutique Baker:  I am caring and gracious, and feel a need for creative expression.
• Store-Bought Baker:  I am caring, and like to participate in community, but I am busy with other things in life besides relationships.
• Someone Else Takes Care of my Dinner: I am responsible and busy. I have others in my life that care more about cooking than I do, so I am willing to let them take care of me so I can take care of my business.  

What type are you?  Did it fit? Did I miss any? Please share!  I’d love to hear your feedback.

Check out the information on the Glamour cookbook and their now famous “Engagement Chicken.”  Since the first publication of the recipe in 2004, countless readers used it to get engaged so it was the inspiration for their recipe book.

In the last two months, have you noticed the enormous number of conversations, both personal and in the media that are punctuated by the one word question and commentary, “really?” The word, currently being used to express sarcastic disbelief – has completely outperformed last year’s commonly used sentence-ending phrase, “And, what-not.” The fact that “really” has replaced “what-not” became apparent to me last month when friends on both east and west coasts used “really?” more than six times in the course of a two-hour conversation.

It is truly a phenom. Perhaps John Stewart of The Daily Show pushed us over the tipping point. I’m not sure, how these things happen, but I find it fascinating that a word or a phrase can suddenly appear ubiquitous.

A great catch all; “really” expresses surprise, dismay, disbelief, and in general, questions the authenticity, and at times, the sanity of the speaker of the comment in question. Depending on where you put your emphasis, it can be a little mischievous, like when you drawl it out and use it as a question: “REAALLLY?” Or, coupled with an exclamation point, or even better, a loud staccato voice, it expresses a level of outrage. In fact, according to the dictionary, it’s an adverb that means “truly.”

It’s not that I’m against using the word “really”, but I prefer moderation. As a coach, I make a good deal of my living paying close attention to what people say. When “really” becomes almost as prevalent as a comma during conversation, it becomes a bit tiresome to the ear. I guess what I want to say is that sometimes we fall into unconscious patterns and it troubles me. I wonder, do unconscious speech patterns intimate unconscious living? I hope not. Do you think I’m off base bringing this up? Really?

Sometimes when we want to feel happier, we trick ourselves into thinking it has to be a big deal.  But often, the smallest things, like walking your dog, touching base with an old friend, or even cleaning out a disorganized desk drawer  brings  us a great feeling of  satisfaction and peace.

So ask yourself, is there one thing you could do today that would bring you joy? And is there one thing that you could eliminate from your day that would make your life easier or better? 

Here’s my joyful addition for today: I’m going to journal for ten minutes.

Here’s my eliminate ingredient:  Forget about grocery shopping for dinner; instead use or create a recipe for which I already have all the ingredients.

There.  Stop making excuses.  The recipe for more joy is simple:  Add one thing you want or love to your day and subtract one annoyance or inconvenience.   Do this daily for the rest of your life and you may just create a happier, more joyful you.